Pork Problems!

Q: Hey Kimmie,
 I have a question for your advice blog, which btw I LOVE to read. You're so funny. Hubs & I need you to settle a debate.
A week or so ago we were debating what is the best way to dispose of bacon grease. I said you can dump it in the trash still hot or dump it down the sink while still hot w/lots of soap & hot water cause it isn't much. He wanted to put it in one of our drinking glasses and let it sit on the counter until it got hard (it sat there for 6 hours & never even started to get hard, let's be honest, it's too hot in AZ in the summer) then somehow figure out how to get it out & into the trash.
I put our debate out on the Facebook world to see what people said & we got versions of both answers, so now we both think we won. Who really won this one?
Corinne and Klint

A: Dear Corinne and Klint,
  Nothing stimulates my gag reflex quite like a container of coagulated bacon grease. Only grandmas who are like 100 years old pour their bacon grease in a cup to cool for hours on the counter before they dispose of it, and only even older grandmas (or Paula Dean) save it in a tin can in their freezer to cook with later.
  Just throw it in the trash can! It's bacon grease, not a dirty syringe. Yes, I suppose it could possibly clog the garbage disposal once it cools down and hardens up, so I wouldn't recommend pouring it down there, but it can definitely be thrown straight into the garbage bag. If you're worried about it melting a hole, just put some paper towels or other trash on the bottom of the bag, but for heaven sakes do not let it sit on the counter and gross people out.
  I actually cook my bacon in the oven on an old, tin foil covered cookie sheet, and then I just wad up the tin foil and put that straight in the trash. Plus, then you don't have to stand there and get a grease facial while you're cooking it, and your whole house doesn't smell like bacon for the next six weeks. It's a win/win!
  So Corinne, I declare you the winner in the battle of the bacon. Your husband might be the one bringing home the bacon, but you're the one who's in charge of disposing of the grease...in the garbage, no cups or cans necessary. Problem solved!
Sincerely, Kimmie

Pregnancy Apparel!

Q: I still like to buy maternity clothes, even though I'm not pregnant anymore. My husband thinks it's totally weird, but I think if it's cute and it's on sale, then it doesn't matter. Who's right?

A: Well, fashion is not really my forte. My fashion sense is barely one step above those people who wear socks with sandals.
 I think it started when I was in 5th grade, and I asked for a pair of Guess Jeans for Christmas. My step-mom bought me Lee jeans from Kmart, and she drew an upside down triangle with the word "Guess" inside of it, with puff paint. I wore them cause I'm sweet and she was well-meaning, but my interest in clothes kind of fizzled out after that. (True story. Ask my friends.)
That being said, I still have an opinion on everything, so here it is... I don't think it's weird at all! I love sales, and anyone who knows me knows that I love comfortable dresses, and I wear them everyday. So for me, a maternity dress on clearance is a win-win, whether you're pregnant or not. If you like it, wear it!
 In fact, I wore one of my old maternity dresses to church a few weeks ago, and I'm not ashamed. I even got a couple compliments on it.
You are so pretty that you would look good wearing a paper bag! Whether it was a ziplock bag, or a Hefty Hefty Cinch Sack, you would still be gorgeous in it, no matter the size!
So my answer is, you are right. Your husband is wrong. To prove your point, next time you go shopping just buy some maternity lingerie. I bet you won't hear him complaining about tags and sizes then. Problem solved!
Sincerely, Kimmie

Caller With a Conscience!

Dear Kimmie,
 I work at a political call center that works with conservative political action committees. We call registered voters across the country and try to get them to donate $10-250 to the campaign. The owners of the call center give us no campaign specifics or where the money goes, so we just give a very vague overview of what the money does to the potential donor.
However, a quick google search will show what a legal scam these campaigns are. When we tell donors their money will help elect more conservative candidates in November, and then finance reports show that the campaign has donated only $5,000 to a total of 2 candidates in the last election cycle. Should a God fearing employee feel comfortable working in this environment?
What should I do?
Signed, Caller with a conscience

Dear Caller with a Conscience,
Quit right now! I know that sounds rash, but I'm a shoot from the hip kinda girl.
 However, if you're more of a two weeks notice kinda guy/gal, then I would have a serious talk with your employer, asking him directly what percentage actually goes where you're telling people it goes. If he can't or won't give you an explanation, you should tell him that you don't feel comfortable misleading people and tender your resignation immediately.
 I will share my telemarketing experience with you to give you courage... I too worked at a call center once. (I've had like 20+ jobs.) My friend and I worked there together, and we felt like the services we were offering over the phone were not always worth the money we were charging, and I felt like we were being told how to talk elderly people into paying for things they didn't need. After 4 days of this, my friend and I quit, but not before I made a very dramatic "how do you people sleep at night" exit speech. I don't think it was very effective. The only people that followed us out of the building were the ones on their way to their smoke break, but I felt a lot better because I was no longer part of a company that I felt was taking advantage of people.
 I realize it's important to make a living, but it's far more important to make an honest living. You can find a way to justify anything if you try hard enough, but selling your soul is one telemarketing gig you should steer clear of! So, quit, asap! Problem solved!
Sincerely, Kimmie

A Hairy Husband!

Q: Dear Kimmie-

I believe that most germs we get into our body that make us sick come in through the nose.  Therefore I let my nose hair grow out.  I admit they are bit too long (one actually extends to my upper lip) but I need the extra hair to filter out the germs when I breathe.  My wife thinks it's ridiculous and disgusting and wants me to trim them.  I say no, I need my health.  Who is right? 

Thank you,

Travis and Kendra

A: Dear Travis and Kendra,

Ew, Kendra is right! You may be perfectly correct about nose hairs filtering out germs. However, one could also argue that armpit hairs trap bacteria, sebum and pheromones, and I don't think you'd be pleased as pie if your wife decided to go all Rapunzel with her pits! 

The solution is simple. 

Trim your nose hairs, and grow a mustache instead! It would act as a hairy hurdle that most germs would not be able to penetrate. Then, you get to filter out the majority of the bacteria, and your wife no longer has to find you're health habits ridiculous and disgusting! 

Problem Solved!

Sincerely, Kimmie

An "Eggs"istential Question!

Dear Kimmie,

I love hard boiled eggs and like to eat them when they are done boiling. Peeling can be tricky as the egg sticks to the shell and I end up with a partially destroyed cratered piece of chicken embryo. Am I rushing the process? Does temperature play a factor? Does cracking the egg all over help? Seriously Kimmie, I'm all boiled up over this.

 -Rob F.




Dear Rob F.,

First of all, I apologize in advance for adding "egg" to the beginning of so many words in my response, but it couldn't be helped!
Now, as for your hard boiled blunders, I too can relate. I am a fan of egg salad sandwiches, but since I do not "eggcel" at hard boiling eggs, I rarely make them. So, I set out to find an answer, for both of our sakes.
I first started by trying, once again, to hard boil some eggs of my own. However, I forgot about them boiling on the stove for well over an hour, and by the time my husband came downstairs and found them stinking up the kitchen, in a pot with almost all of the water evaporated out, he threw them away before I could attempt the peeling process.
So, since I am no "eggspert" at hard boiling eggs, I consulted my two most "eggcellent" sources of knowledge...my mother-in-law and the internet.
The internet says to add salt to your water because it raises the pH of the water, which strengthens the egg's membrane. (I don't know what pH is, so I will just take their word for it.) The internet also has lots of techniques using safety pins and spoons and vinegar, but that sounds a little "eggstreme"
to me!
My mother-in-law said that the best way to crack a hard boiled egg is to let it cool (dunk it in ice if your impatient) and make a big, gentle crack on the top and bottom of the egg. Then, carefully rub the shell away with the bottom of your thumb, no poking or digging. Her way sounds better.
Problem solved!

Sincerely, Kimmie

Graduation Gift Giving!

Dear Kimmie,
I have a niece, three cousins and three second cousins all graduating from High School this week. Last Saturday night I attended a party to celebrate 2 of their graduations. I bought and brought a gift for each of them. But since then I have been wondering if I need to send gifts to the other ones? If I remember correctly, I didn't get any money or gifts when I graduated High School (granted that was 15 years ago.) I did however, receive gifts/money when I graduated from college. I know graduating High School is exciting, but isn't that sort of expected? "Wa-hoo you survived 12 years of public schooling. Just like everyone else." Please tell me if times have changed and people are now expected to give gifts/money to High School graduates. And if that is the case, how far down the family tree should I give gifts?
Sincerely, Perplexed about protocol

Dear Perplexed about Protocol,
Call me old fashioned, but the only thing I got when I graduated from highschool was a job, at a Dry Cleaners.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE giving gifts! I am always buying presents for people and getting my kids junk from the Dollar Store to reward them for every little thing they do. However, it should not be expected, and kids should not feel entitled to it. I can recognize that graduating from high school is an exciting time, but people should not feel pressured to write checks everytime anyone reaches a milestone.
I've seen that show "Silver Spoons." I know what happens when you just start handing kids money. You end up with a bunch of Ricky Schroders, riding around on giant choo-choo trains inside their house, expecting to get everything handed to them.
The reward for graduating from high school should be your education, not a pile of checks from distant relatives and friends of your parents, whose tax dollars have already paid for your schooling.
Now, if you are close with the graduate and you want to give them a gift/money, then by all means, do it! It's fun giving gifts to celebrate with the people you care about, but do not feel obligated to respond to every graduation announcement you get in the mail with a gift of money, and especially not to second cousins. You probably know your mailman better than your second cousin, and you don't buy him a gift card to congratulate him everytime they raise the price of stamps.
If you don't want to give a gift or you can't afford to, you can still recognize the graduates accomplishment by giving them a letter, expressing specific, positive qualities you've noticed in them as an individual and how proud you are of them and the person they've become. That should mean more to them than a check. It may not, but it should. Absolutely everyone deserves to feel special and be congratulated, but celebrating someone's achievements doesn't always have to cost money. In the wise words of Art Buchwald (and Pinterest) "The best things in life are not things." And that's a more important lesson than anything they'll learn in school!
Sincerely, Kimmie

I Am Not A Doormat!

Dear Kimmie,

I recently invited a friend to my daughter’s choir concert.  They responded they would love to go, but then asked if I could get another ticket for a friend.  I responded by being too accommodating and saying something like, “Well I can’t get another seat together, but I can buy another ticket and I can just sit in that seat.”  I really thought they would say, “No, I don’t want you sitting by yourself.” But they didn’t.  They said, “Ok great, we will see you there!”  So now I am mad at myself for not just saying I could not get a ticket.  I bought good seats and I don’t want to sit by myself at my daughter’s concert, nor do I want to sit in the not as good seats.  However this is one of my late husband’s best friends so I am not as comfortable saying what I really feel as I would if it was someone else.  What should I do? 

Signed,

Too Accommodating

Dear Too Accommodating,

This is a real problem! Take it from me. Once, my nieghbor (that I'd just met only hours before) told me she was tired of her husband and she wanted to leave him. The next thing I know she and her chihuahua are sleeping on my couch, waching Cosby Show re-runs all day long and asking my husband and I to hide her spouse's belongings in our car. Trust me, being too accommodating is a slippery slope that usually ends with you getting walked all over.
I must say, you got yourself into this pickle though, which we people pleasers often do, by offering up your own ticket. Yes, your friend should have never taken you up on the offer, but in the future, you should never present an option that you wouldn't want to go along with.

What I've learned is that most people don't want to put you out, and they don't even think twice about it if you say "no." They don't expect you to always bend over backwards for them, and they won't think any less of you if you don't make their every wish your command.

As for your current predicament, I'm sure your friend would understand if you explained to him how you're feeling, but I'm guessing you're not likely to do that.
So, all you can do now is hope that your new, less than ideal seat has a handsome, single man sitting in the one next to it. Or you could just give your friend ex-lax cookies as a pre-concert treat, and hope that he'll have to excuse himself so you can get your ticket back. I'd stick with optoin A though. Sincerely, Kimmie

Wiping Woes!

Q: Hi,

My 10 year old daughter has serious wiping issues.  She doesn’t “wipe properly.”  I have been trying to correct this problem for years. I have refused to buy new underwear, I have bought those flushable wet wipes.  I have even, as much as I hate to admit this, tried to shame her into caring about it by making jokes.  Not my most proud parent moments.  What is your advice?

Signed,

Ashamed in Arizona

A: Dear Ashamed in Arizona,

I have to admit, I have NO idea how to answer your question! To be honest, I got a little grossed out and almost deleted it, but then I asked myself the million dollar question...W.W.D.A.D? (What would Dear Abby do?)
And I've decided Dear Abby would not shudder at a poo question. She would tackle your question, head-on, and so will I. So here we go, bottoms up...pun intended!
As I've said before, I'm no expert, especially when it comes to skidmarks (thank goodness.) Nevertheless, I think this situation calls for a multi-step approach.
First, stick with the flushable wipes. You can't go wrong.
Step two, I think a serious, loving mother/daughter heart to heart is in order on the topic of hygeine and taking pride in ourselves.
Step three, maybe offer a little incentive. This is obviously something she has a hard time with, and when kids struggle with a behavior, sometimes it's helpful to offer a reward for their efforts. She's probably just anxious to get back to her 10 year old activities (cause let's be honest, we can all agree that playing outside is more fun than wiping) so when she takes the time to do it correctly and you see a positive result in the laundry bucket, give her a little "way to go" prize.
Whatever you do, don't let your wiping woes "bum" you out. Kids are all so different, and while this is an issue that you do want to get cleared up sooner rather than later, it's not the most terrible thing in the world. In a few years, this will all be wiped clean from your memory, and you'll be writing in with much more difficult teenager questions, longing for the good old days, when poo problems were all you had to worry about.

Sincerely, Kimmie

Target or Walmart?

Q: Dear Kimmie,
 Please settle our debate. Target or Walmart?
-Name Withheld

A: Dear Conflicted Consumer,
I am the perfect person to settle this debate! I don't claim to be an expert in too many areas, but I kind of feel like Target and Walmart are my specialty.
I went to Target twice last week. I love their clean floors, their bright flourescent lighting and their popcorn/soda combo. And for some reason, the whole store reminds me of Christmas. I love Target so much that if I could do things over again, I just might have had my bridesmaids wear red polos and khakis at my wedding. Target is definitely my number one choice!
However, I wasn't always a Target girl. There was a time in my life when I was a true blue Walmart shopper. I bought everything there! I could overlook the long lines and the diapers in the parking lot because almost everything in the store was only 88 cents.
And I thank my lucky stars that I was shopping at Walmart the day my 4 year old threw up all over the cart and everything inside of it because they were so understanding, and they didn't even make me pay for the barfy groceries. (They also probably didn't get around to mopping up the vomit in the aisle for a good 30 minutes, but what do I care? I took my 3 kids and was outta there.) Now had I been at Target, I may have felt a little more awkward.
What I ended up learning about Walmart though, was that for myself, because everything was so cheap, I ended up buying tons more stuff I didn't need, and eventually 88 cents turned into 88 dollars once I got to the check out line. I also factored in opportunity cost and realized that the 20+ minutes I was spending in line with my 3 kids was not worth saving a few extra bucks, but the straw that broke the camel's back though was when I cut into rotten produce and opened bags of flour with bugs in it, all within a few weeks time. That's when I made the switch, and I have never regreted it. (I must say, I do miss the sweet, little, old Walmart greeters though.)
So, although I much prefer Target over Walmart, there will always be a part of me that longs to see that big yellow happy face with his save you money, roll back smile, and every couple months, I do find myself back at Walmart, wandering the aisles, like I'm catching up with an old friend.
Sincerely, Kimmie

Flossing Feud

Q: Dear Kimmie,
My husband and I disagree. I think you should floss your teeth after you brush and he says your supposed to floss before you brush. Please tell me I am right.
Sincerely, Shelly

 A: Okay Shelly, I happen to be on your side of this debate, but I am probably not your best ally in a dental hygeine battle because I only floss like every 3 years. (Although, as you can see from the picture, I do have pretty nice teeth.)
When I was little my mom told me that flossing was a conspiracy created by dentists to loosen your teeth away from your gums so you would have to visit them more often and eventually pay for dentures. Needless to say, I never really made flossing a habit, but when I do floss nowadays, it is always after I brush my teeth.
However, I didn't want to leave you with only the opinion of a girl who just had her first root canal, so I checked out some dental websites...
Some say that by flossing before brushing, you clear space between the teeth to allow flouride to penetrate and toughen all surfaces of the teeth.
The opposing dental opinions said that flossing before brushing clears space between the teeth, which allows plaque from dirty teeth between the teeth and under the gum during the process of brushing.
Both opinions recommend brushing, flossing and then re-brushing, to which I say, "Get a life! Who has that kind of time?"
So, if I had to choose a side, I would say whoever, out of the two of you, has the least cavities wins! Problem Solved!
Oh, and to award you for your impeccable oral hygeine and to thank you for inspiring me to floss more regularly, I found you a printable coupon for dental floss. Please enjoy!

http://www.gumbrand.com/toothbrush-coupons/dental-floss-coupons/

Sincerely, Kimmie

Mama Drama!

Q: Dear Kimmie,
Every year, my in-laws come to town and stay with us over Mother's Day weekend, which means I have to do all of the cooking, cleaning and hosting.
It's not a relaxing, restful Mother's Day for me when they're here, and I would really like to have my own Mother's Day for once. I've mentioned this to my husband, but he doesn't think it's a big deal and tells me that he's not going to tell his parents that they can't come. What should I do?
-Name Witheld

A: Wow! This sound like a really big problem that's not going away anytime soon. You guys should probably just get a divorce.
Just Kidding!!!!!
You have to make your hubby realize that Mother's Day is a big deal and that you want it to be about you. It's your day to relax, and if entertaining out of town visitors isn't the way you choose to unwind, then your hubby needs to realize and accept that.
Making your Mother's Day special should be his first priority. Be upfront with him by telling him what it would take to make that happen.
His mother is still, no doubt, very important and deserves to be recognized, but she can come celebrate the weekend before, or the weekend after. Certainly that's a nice comprimise.
However, if that doesn't work, and he still insists on having his parents visit over Mother's Day, then just invite your parents too and make all of the grandparents sleep in the same bed, like on Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. Then you won't have to worry about any parents inviting themselves to stay with you for any holidays ever again. Problem Solved!
Sincerely, Kimmie